If you’re like me, I’m truly sorry. But if you are like me, you’re sick and tired of all the fuss about the Vashon-Maury Island Community Council.

First, it’s somebody working behind the scenes to change the zoning, then it’s somebody threatening lawsuits and jail time with unsavory characters from Tacoma, and then it’s somebody telling the second somebody to stuff it and resigning amidst a firestorm of accusations, and then it’s somebody wanting to tell King County to stuff it while still remaining in the county and then it’s somebody at the county telling all of us on Vashon to stuff it. 

With all this stuffing, I feel like a Thanksgiving turkey. I just want to run away and live on an island. I mean another island. 

But my wife reminds me that I can’t run away because I am chained to our mortgage, so instead I propose to organize the Vashon Republic Liberation Army Organizing Committee and Provisional Supreme Council (or V.R.L.A.O.C.P.S.C. for short) … and then to declare independence! Our rallying cry could be “No county! No way! Not now! Or next week either!!”

Someone told me that this has been tried before, but I have no knowledge of that. Being ignorant of the past, I can legitimately say that I am not doomed to repeat history. “If I don’t know history, how can I repeat it??” I can claim.

Thanks to Two Wall Gallery, we will soon have a Vashon flag. With a flag, we can have an army, with uniforms (purple loosely fitted ones made of hemp) and cool patches that say things like “V is for Vashon.”  

We can give ourselves titles (dibs on “Great Grand Lizard”) and offer discounts at local stores for Vashon Liberation Army inductees. If the store owners don’t agree, we can declare martial law and set our own prices for beer! 

We can outlaw lighted signs (even existing ones), establish our own marijuana policy (unlimited personal use to prevent tooth decay) and let local hunters “control” the deer population from their back porches. We can declare an Official State Fossil (elected yearly from among local politicians and businessmen) and an Official State Religion (Waffling). No one can stop us!!

We already have two proposed mottos (“E Pluribus Weirdum” and “Gateway To Southworth”), and we have folks (seriously) who want to issue our own money.

Now all we need are postage stamps, a Great Seal (that might picture a large Harbor Seal), and some sort of tax income to provide revenue to fund a department of public works, the schools, the library, the sheriff, the fire department, mental health services and all of the infrastructure we’ll need to replace the rest of the county functions and existing state and federal offices. 

Oh, and we’ll need a prison (K2?), universal health care, ferry service and a passport office to issue visas. This is your chance to make a pile of money off of those pesky summer people! And we’re not sending a dime of it to either Washington!!

So I invite you all to join this effort by throwing your hat in the ring, raising your hand and jumping on board, not necessarily at the same time. With your help, Vashon Independence will be officially declared on (date to be determined). 

— Greg Wessel, a Vashon resident, is a geologist, an artist and by day a King County employee.