A recent Beachcomber article outlined the conclusions of a report commissioned by the Chamber of Commerce regarding attracting tourists to the Island during the “off season,” which seems to be roughly three quarters of the year. The author of the report concluded that tourists won’t visit unless there is a solid reason for coming and that we should market ourselves as an “events and activities get-away,” so that we could entice the “Thoughtful Tourist” (read, “Single and Powerful But Subdued Woman with Lots of Money”) during the months when it’s raining or threatening to rain.
Far be it from me to point this out, but by specifying that the Thoughtful Tourist is female, the author of the report has insulted every Thoughtful Man within range of the paper, which by my calculation is nearly 10 people! But that aside, I do have some general comments, which because I’m a scientist, I’m obliged to offer as a numbered list:
1. If, as the author says, tourists won’t come here unless there is something interesting to do, does that mean she thinks there is no reason to come here now?
2. If the year-round market can’t sustain all Island businesses, could that also suggest that some business people might want to re-evaluate their original business plans?
3. It’s best to have at least three things in a numbered list.
It is true that I enjoy being a curmudgeon from time to time, but I think a better approach is to offer real assistance and helpful ideas. I’d like to do that now, but instead I offer below a few ideas for weekend getaways that will set Vashon apart from the rest of the bedroom communities within driving distance of Seattle and Tacoma.
We could rely on the tried-and-true formulas employed by every other small town for generating economic activity (opening a gambling hall, offering two-for-one mixed drinks, hosting a bike race or strawberry festival, inviting the state to open a maximum-security prison), or we could throw out these stale overused ideas and create events and activities that are so unique and different that no one in their right mind would ever have thought we’d be crazy enough to chance it!
Here are just a few of my many ideas for events that will never be staged anywhere else (and so should be certain to draw tons of more-or-less thoughtful people)!:
1. To celebrate Arbor Day weekend, the Great Vashon Tree-Felling Derby! Think of all the thoughtful women who will be attracted to sweating lumberjacks in plaid shirts. Forest management be damned.
2. To benefit the Vashon Library (a sure-fire draw for the thoughtful book-reading tourist), the Annual Vashon Book Burning! Who doesn’t love a bonfire? And who doesn’t have books they either have never read or that they’d rather the spouse didn’t see? Not that I have any, but. …
3. To heck with nudity, we’re doing the Overly Clothed Bike Race! Picture hundreds of cyclists in various native dress(es), each by regulation covering 99.99 percent of their body, with some having so much cloth that you can barely see there’s a bicycle under there! Think of the color! The ethnicity! The accidents at every curve!
4. Last summer, my friends at VALISE and Two Wall Gallery hosted a treasure hunt for the Lost Baranov Diamonds. Two actual Island students, Ella Maierhofer and Jesse Taitano, found the treasure, which was 12 heart-cut colored jewels that were buried near Judd Creek. They assure me there are many more treasures to be found. Why not a Great Vashon Treasure Hunt! Oh wait, that sounds like an idea another city (like Seattle) might use. Never mind.
5. Let’s get back to burning. The Burning Man event in Nevada may not last forever, but given that a number of funky Islanders attend (and have been urging me, a dyed-in-the-wool homebody, to do the same), it seems that something like that might work here. So I propose that we combine a salmon bake with a large burning thing (maybe shaped like a salmon) and call it the Vashon Burning Salmon Days!
6. Lastly, let’s continue with our contrarian trend and instead of having Christmas in July (yawn) we could have the Vashon Maury-Island Community Council-Declared Vashon Independence Day in January! Think of the possibilities!
One more thing, to all the thoughtful and not-so-thoughtful men out there: Just for a minute let’s assume that the chamber’s efforts are fruitful. With all the rich single women about to descend on the Island, does that not give you any ideas at all?
— Greg Wessel is co-curator of the Two Wall Gallery and a local
hardrock geologist.
