As everyone knows, orcas—aka “killer whales”—cruise around our little Island on a regular basis. I gather these finned mammals are deeply connected to Vashon’s eternal sense of itself in the natural world; their reality is as ingrained in the Island’s psyche as landslides, power outages, ferry lines and coffee stands.

I don’t buy it for a minute. I’ve lived here for several years now and I have yet to see a single so-called “orca”—much less a “pod,” much less several “pods.” Have you? No, I thought not. 

So what can explain this belief in the unbelievable, this vision of the invisible, this collective illusion? Maybe it’s the arsenic in the water, I don’t know. What I do know is that this is a classic example of that old adage: if a tree falls in the wilderness and no one is there, does it make a sound? Or maybe it’s a maritime version of an urban myth, like crocodiles in the sewers in my native New York City. They didn’t exist. Neither do orcas.

As you know, the name “orca” comes from the Latin word for whale, which the Romans stole from a Greek word I can’t type on the keyboard I’m using because it doesn’t have those funny Greeky letters. I confess I never got beyond 11th-grade Latin, but I don’t recall ever reading a story in that language that mentioned whales of any kind. I’ll bet you don’t either. And even if you did, it would be a myth, because that’s all those Romans and Greeks ever wrote. That, and battle plans. And what is a myth? It is, quoting my dictionary, “a legendary story with no discernible basis in fact.” There you have it.

But you don’t have to believe me, you can take it from the experts: no less an august institution than the International Union for Conservation of Nature (No, I never heard of them before, either) announced in 2008 that, “the taxonomy of this genus is clearly in need of review.” I’ll say it is. “Taxonomy,” by the way, is the science of naming living things. See, even the IUCN questions their existence.

But maybe you don’t trust scientists. I wouldn’t blame you. I mean these guys still think gravity is a just a theory, as if any day now we might just lose traction with the ground and float up into the stars. So trust your common sense instead. Ask yourself what self-respecting whale would ever dress up in a black and white panda suit to go for a swim? Since when is swimming a formal affair? Whales are gray; everybody knows this. Except maybe Herman Melville. 

Plus, the scientific description of the “orca” has nothing to do with whales anyway; this purported (I emphasize “purported”) beast is said to be closely related to the dolphin — which everyone knows is a graceful (and gray) sea mammal which is sweet and smiley-faced and plays with boats and swims with children and does tricks like jumping through hoops and does not “kill,” except for the occasional snack.

Here’s another thing: I heard on NPR the other day that upwards of 90 percent of the entire diet of (alleged) orcas is Chinook salmon. I don’t know about you, but I can’t afford Chinook. I doubt killer whales (sic) can either. Have you ever seen a single orca at the fish counter at Thriftway? No, I thought not.

So, can you see the weight of the evidence piling up against this illusory maritime phenomenon, the orca? Well, I certainly can. OK, you may point out that there have been pictures of alleged orcas in the very pages of this estimable newspaper, pictures apparently authenticated by someone named “Orca Annie.” I am reasonably certain that “Orca Annie” is as much a chimera as her namesake “whale.” Has anyone ever seen this Annie? In all your time on this Island, have you ever seen anyone up town with one of those cheery stick-on name tags that says “Hi! My Name Is ‘Orca Annie!’” Yeah, me either. 

But what about those photographs of alleged killer whales (sic) just off Point Robinson? I don’t know about you, but they look doctored to me, about as believable as those grainy snapshots of the Loch Ness Monster, allegedly in Scotland. Pixel trickery and nothing more, is what I think. I mean, how gullible do they think we are?

Well, I’m not gullible. As a recovering journalist, I naturally try to get to the bottom of things. I search for facts. I find the experts. Thus it was that I talked to one Fred Felleman of Seattle. Now get this: Felleman claims to be a Northwest orca expert, a guy who streaks out in his high-powered, (16’) gas-guzzling motorboat whenever there is a “pod” (what sort of name is that, anyway?) reported anywhere in Puget Sound. He claims this is in the name of research and protecting them from such things as oil spills. But I’m thinking, you know, this is a guy who sells pictures of these phantom creatures. Of course he has to zoom out into the Sound occasionally; how credible would he be if he never left shore? Not to mention, what kind of environmentalist can he be, burning all that fuel? Where’s his orca evidence? Photos, that’s all.

So I’m unconvinced. But if you think you’ve seen an orca and you haven’t just left Sporty’s, gimme a call.

— Will North is a Vashon novelist whose latest novel involves witches, Bronze Age stone circles in Cornwall and murder, but no orcas.