There may be no place on Earth (except, perhaps, Afghanistan) more dangerous than Vashon with snow. This is not the snow’s fault. The snow is blameless.

No, the problem is Vashonites. The mere mention of snow in the forecast, the slightest dusting of white on the highway, appears to strike idiocy into much of the population. I mean, is it me or does the Island’s collective driving I.Q. drop by half when the S-stuff appears?

As a born and bred Northeasterner, snow does not frighten me. It makes me homicidal — at least here on Vashon. Now, admittedly, driving me homicidal is a short trip under any circumstance.

The woman lately known as my wife can attest to this: She’s seen me teeter on the very edge of the abyss when one of her many cats throws up on the new sand-colored wall-to-wall, as one does several times a week. As a carpet color, I should have chosen “cat vomit.”

But back to our subject. I have a modest proposal: Vashon College should offer a course in “Driving in Snow,” and taking it should be made a requisite of residency here. And I would be delighted to teach it. Free. That’s so much easier than being arrested for homicide. The curriculum would include, among others, the following life-saving tips:

Everything you need to know about driving in snow is encapsulated in two words — Anticipation and Traction. It’s really that simple. See, wasn’t that easy? Of course it was. Now some details:

There are precisely four shyly blinking red lights on this Island. You know where they are, right? Then anticipate them! How? Start slowing long before you have to stop. Your vehicle is equipped for doing this, and I am not talking about your brakes. First, let up on the accelerator three times sooner than you would otherwise. Next, shift your car into a lower gear. The transmission will slow you down without braking. By not braking hard, you will not slide. Amazingly, you can do this even with an automatic transmission! You know those other numbers on the shift console: the “2” and “1?” They’re lower gears. Use them (but only go to “1” when you’ve nearly stopped).

The same goes for going down Vashon’s many hills : plan ahead, slow down, downshift carefully and don’t stomp on the brake pedal (see “traction,” below). In fact, here’s a tip: pretend there is a raw egg (organic, of course) glued to the bottom of your right shoe. Don’t press too hard on either the brake or the accelerator. Do everything slowly and steadily.

Except don’t slow down going up hills. No, I don’t suggest speeding. It’s momentum you have to keep in mind and our old friend traction. Traction is the friction between your tires and the surface over which it passes — which in the case of snow is slight. When you approach a hill do not slow down! Keeping your momentum up (within reason) will maintain your tenuous hold on traction. Slow down on a hill and what happens next? Gravity takes control and you instinctively press harder on the accelerator, which causes your power wheel to spin faster than the snow can accept, which skitters you all over hell and gone. Keep your momentum steady and that won’t happen. And if gravity does win, don’t hit the gas, unless you want more excitement in your life. Carefully back down the hill far enough so that you can get going again and gain some momentum. If that still doesn’t work, back into someplace safe, grab the keys and walk.

Note the word “wheel” is singular above. That’s because, unless you have all-wheel drive, only one of your wheels makes your car move. Amazing, huh? With front-wheel drive, it’s where? That’s right: in the front. Can you guess where it is if your car or truck has rear-wheel drive? No extra points for this one.

Now, for you clowns out there with spiffy, new all-wheel-drive cars, wagons, and SUVs, a word of advice from the rest of us: When you approach a hill, get a move on! Do not slow to a crawl. You can pull yourself out of a dead stop on a hill, but we can’t. So keep going for goodness sakes! (Remember, a homicidal maniac may be right behind you.)

Now everyone, listen up: Leave more space! Sooner or later that jamoke ahead of you is gonna stop, sometimes for a good reason, sometimes for no apparent reason at all. Who knows, it’s Vashon. Do you want your car to mate with this guy’s? I hope not, and your insurance company hopes not, too. The snow-addled Vashonite ahead might slow and stop sanely, or he or she may hit the brakes at the last minute, slew one way or another in an entertaining pirouette, and unless you desire a vehicular pas de deux, have the sense to stay well back!

Got a kid learning to drive or just feel unsure about snow yourself? Go to a big, snowy parking lot and do all the wrong things. You learn a lot about controlling a car in snow that way. And for some fun if you have front wheel drive, floor the accelerator and then yank up on the emergency brake. That’ll lock a rear wheel and the front power wheel will spin you in dizzying circles. Very cool.

Finally, this: Stay the hell off your cell phone, unless you’re calling a tow truck.

— Will North is a Vashon novelist. His latest novel, which is set on the Island, has taken up temporary residence in Palm Springs while he works on a new book.