With the new year upon us, I thought I would put my prodigious prognostication skills to work and give everyone an insight into what the year holds for them. How you say? Well, I missed a ferry last week, and while waiting for the next decided to go online and become an astrology expert. I thought it would complement my months of experience in phrenology.
I understand there are a few skeptics out there. In fact, I’ve had a few of them say that the orbits of planets formed billions of years ago can’t tell me if a new acquaintance is romantically interested in me. Yeah, right. The next thing they’ll say is tarot cards are bogus.
It probably comes as no surprise that while working toward my As.S. degree (Astrology of Science), I was very interested in my own sign. After an exhaustive search of Google’s top two results, I found a scholarly website, with very few pop-up ads, explaining how celestial objects influence Aquarians. Turns out it’s not good.
My zodiac symbol is the water bearer, basically the water boy of astrology. My ruling planet is a gas orb that revolves around the sun. No it’s not Rush Limbaugh. Not to brag, though, but I have two finance planets, Neptune and Jupiter. However, they don’t seem to help me getting a car loan, even after repeatedly telling the salesman. Career planets, anyone? I have three of them: Mars, the sun and the moon. The fact that only one of those is actually a planet explains my career path.
One astrology factoid that really stood out was the people I should avoid because they are incompatible with my sign. They include Aries, Gemini, Libra and Sagittarius, so I have to avoid one-third of the earth’s population. Seems about right.
So without further ado, let me tell you what is in store for you:
Aquarius: You will become rich beyond your wildest dreams. You will tire of winning Oscars every year and have your valet accept them. You will also start dating women way out of your league (it is merely a coincidence that this is the best horoscope ever.)
Pisces: In the morning you will put a smile on everyone you meet, and in the evening you will realize your zipper has been down all day.
Aries: The stars are telling you to begin a bold new fashion trend, and you grow every other fingernail really long. By the end of the year, you will realize your horoscope was wrong and you look weird.
Taurus: The time is right to find a new love. Go to the gym and try out your best pick-up lines on Libras.
Libra: Make bold career choices today and try new foods this weekend, but whatever you do, don’t go to the gym.
Gemini: The good news is you will finally graduate organ grinder’s school. The bad news is you develop an unhealthy relationship with your monkey.
Cancer: On Friday you will start talking nonstop about how great the Swiffer is. By Monday you will have no friends.
Leo: On the one hand, your powers in the game of cribbage are waning, but on the other, your new job doesn’t involve catheters.
Scorpio: Big self-improvements headed your way as you move on from larceny to grand larceny.
Virgo: Good news — you find new love with a Capricorn. The bad news is you are married to a Pisces.
Sagittarius: You will start wearing mittens instead of socks and tell everyone you suffer from chimpanzee foot.
Capricorn: Your astrology chart says you absolutely must bet all your money on Wednesday’s Mega Millions. On Thursday you find out what the pseudo in pseudoscience means.
No matter what the stars say, here’s hoping you all have a healthy and rewarding new year.
— Chris Austin is the circulation manager at The Beachcomber, a cyclist and a writer.
