A couple of weeks ago, on my first outing after Snowmaggedon 2012, I was at Bishop’s or, for the sushi-eaters, the Red Bike, having a beverage with a north-end friend who shall remain nameless and a couple other mid-Islanders. These distinctions will prove important later — promise.
The place was packed with folks who looked like they hadn’t left their homes or bathed in three days — because of the snow, of course. It was quite a mix of characters! Actually, it was extremely homogeneous, which we commented on, quietly. In a lull, my friend said, “You know those ‘keep Vashon weird’ signs? Is Vashon really weird? I don’t think so.”
Oh, the gauntlet was thrown down! At that point the other friend, who’s only lived here a couple of years (and thus has fresh eyes), started rattling off a Top Ten List of why Vashon is weird.
The first friend, who actually has a podcast about top 10 lists (“Top Ten Whatever”) got all feisty and joined the fray. It was provocative, animated, contentious, almost like we were from the East Coast!
Here it is, edited for family viewing:
10. Lack of Personal Space. You just can’t get away with the tough, one-armed man-hug on Vashon. People you don’t know very well hug and kiss you here. It’s obligatory. Seriously.
9. Gossip. There’s NONE! Nobody ever talks about other people out here! It’s sooooo weird! (If you get really quiet and listen, you can hear the drip, drip, drip of sarcasm.)
8. Extreme Population Fluctuation. Let’s face it, from 10,000 year-rounders to 435,000 in summer is whacked. And the summer people are weird, just because they’re so normal.
7. Low Police Presence. (Insert your comment here! And say whatever you like!)
6. Strange Bedfellows. This is the kicker, and why the apparent homogeneity inspired the discussion. You may feel among your tribe on Vashon, but the truth is, there are many (how many are you part of?). On one Saturday afternoon in the late ’90s, Vashon simultaneously hosted the bohemian Islewilde Festival, the State Republican Picnic and a gnarly Harley Davidson rally. There was little inbreeding.
5. Dress Code. You don’t really have to wear anything, and a lot of people don’t, apparently, especially at home. It’s like a vast estate of private nudist camps. Not that there’s anything wrong with that … until the in-laws arrive, early. Which happens, I’ve heard.
4. Island Lumber has a new line of women’s clothes. ’Nuf said.
3. Class Struggle. There is one, but it’s not what you think. It’s more like a class in high school, with the struggle between the clean-cut popular kids and the scrappy weirdos — or in other words, the north-enders vs. everyone else, pretty much.See how I’m baiting you? Go ahead, write a letter to the editor.
2. A Culture of Denial. Some people (like my north-end friend) don’t actually think any of this is weird, and I’m sorry, that’s just weird.
1. Gay pets. There’s a ton of them on this island. Try telling me that’s not true.
This is just one list among many. Now for the fun part: Mail yours to editor@beachcomber.com. A distinguished editorial board will decide the winner and will post it on www.keepvashonweird.com, a new website I created, dedicated to the cause. (Will the creator of the bumper stickers please come forward? This website is really yours.)
This is serious business, people. We made it through Snowpocalypse. If we are to survive 2012, we’ll need to take care of our own. Weirdness.
— Kevin Joyce is a writer, humorist and frequent emcee.
