If you’ve been living under a rock, you might have missed the fact that an election is coming. The candidates tell us this election is YUGEly important. This election will decide the fate of mankind. And yet, we have only two choices: a middle-right party from the 1990s and an alt-right party from the 1950s. If these people are supposed to be our leaders, I keep asking myself, why is it I feel like I am ahead of them?
You may have already noticed my mistake. For years I have believed that elected officials literally are leaders.
“They are supposed to know more about the world than we do, and they are supposed to show us the way, right?” says the angel on my left shoulder.
A more seasoned opinion from my right shoulder says, “We live in a representative democracy. You are supposed to tell them what to do, Bozo!”
In the absence of progressive leaders, our reality is closer to a comedic scene from “It’s A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.” Paul Ford — on the radio in the control tower — screams out, “Who’s flying the plane?” Mickey Rooney — sitting in the cockpit of an out-of-control aircraft with pilot Jim Backus knocked out in the background and Buddy Hackett with his hands firmly on the controls and a wild look in his eyes — replies, “Who’s flying the plane? Nobody’s flying the plane!”
I’m not sure about flying, but as far as elections and elected leaders, I have listened to my shoulder devil and tried to tell my elected representatives how to fix stuff. Getting them to listen is the first challenge, and so far I haven’t been very successful. I write letters and send emails and all I get back are requests for money. Despite my occasional bribes, I don’t get the feeling that they read my letters.
Trying to connect has become so frustrating that I have decided to end it all and resort to my own personal doomsday option: I’m going to show these people how to save the world by example. Yes, that’s right, I’m going to bite the bullet, put my shoulder to the wheel and live like a modern person heading toward the 22nd century. That’ll show ’em.
What does this mean exactly? Well, for me, it means changing jobs to one that requires much less driving. It means a planet-friendly lifestyle, a socially progressive outlook and a positive long-term agenda. In the words of Tom and Ray Magliozzi, I’m going to drive small and live big.
“Greg,” you’re about to ask, “I’m frustrated with our leaders, too. How can I do what you are doing and show them where to stuff their filibusters?”
Normally I would charge for such advice, but for you only, I offer three tips below, taken from a long list of unsolicited suggestions:
1. First (which is why it’s labeled “1”), if you live on Vashon and are reading this paper, you’ve probably got some gray hair. In the eyes of young people, this makes you a geezer. Geezers are often advised to “cultivate your closet extrovert.” I could stop there, but because my list is short, the devil on my right shoulder and the angel on my left offer two other extroverted options designed to influence politicians: a) pick your least-favorite elected official and sign him or her up for as many limited offers as you can find inserts in your junk mail to keep him harmlessly occupied, or b) volunteer to canvas for a progressive cause.
Second, don’t be afraid to share the wisdom of your advanced age, even if your résumé is a little thin. You can do this by: a) telling friends and family exactly what you think, especially when they are driving the car. If you suffer from a lack of wisdom, try an increase in volume, or b) use your life experience to counsel others in environmental restoration.
Third, use your big-picture skills gleaned from years (and years and years) of life experience to remind others to not discard ideas simply because they are not new. You can do this by a) being grumpy and saying things like “back in my day” and “when I was in school,” or b) you can work with the Heritage Museum to craft a display of old technologies that are still appropriate today. Canning homegrown vegetables, for example.
So you see, there are two sides to every bitcoin. Heads or tails, your gray hair is a license to try things you never thought you could do. “Evolution favors the bold,” scientists say, which is their way of saying “You’ll never know how stupid it is until you try it, and then it’s probably too late.”
It probably is too late to come up with a better option for the upcoming election. If there was time, I would nominate the ferry worker who told me that I “drive like Steve McQueen.” He’s a selfless public servant, a tireless worker and he recognized talent when he saw it behind a Buddy Hackett-like facade.
— Greg Wessel is an island geologist, who said he would give a fossil to the first person who guessed the largest city
closest to his hometown.
