By CHRIS AUSTIN

Well, it’s that time of year again, that time when emails and phone calls start arriving with folks requesting that I use my powers of divination to forecast next year’s major events. And just like last year, it caught me by complete surprise.

Many people want to know how I came to possess such powers of prognostication — I picked it up bit by bit in my youth when I would run away to the circus. I would have learned it faster, but the circus kept bringing me back. It was always somewhat awkward when Mom would say, “Kind of looks familiar, but kids all look the same to me.” Eventually, someone would offer up a carton of cigarettes, and Mom’s memory would improve.

The mechanics of how I evoke my prophesies take patience and years of practice; I use a bucketful of chicken feet, and at the stroke of midnight, under a moonless sky, I throw them as far as I can.

The next day I will get a call from my neighbor saying, “What the hell are chicken feet doing all over my lawn?” just like I predicted. I remind myself that I must only use this power for good. So without further ado, here’s what you can look forward to in the coming year.

Medical studies continue to document the deleterious effects of concussions. As a result of these studies, all athletes must wear giant, blow-up sumo wrestler suits. This results in a variety of outcomes: Baseball finally becomes interesting; figure skaters are now awarded points for how far they slide after a fall, and track lanes for sprinters become wider. This widening goes too for the starting gates at horse races, as both jockey and horse must wear the protective garment.

The bad news is scientists finally have conclusive proof that global warming is real; it is irreversible and will lead to the extinction of the human race. But the really bad news is Donald Trump becomes president. Humanity eagerly awaits its extinction.

President Trump wastes no time in addressing some of the world’s most intractable diplomatic issues. First off, he sends troops to the Middle East to build golf courses and casinos. Domestically, he prohibits all muslin from entering the country, which spurs protests from fans of the lightweight cotton fabric. Additionally, “President The Donald,” as he likes to be called, flexes his executive powers, and the Pledge of Allegiance now ends with “and the president’s hair is real.”

Government testing of nuclear reactors finds they are much safer for the environment than once thought, but unfortunately, the nuclear reactors are made by Volkswagen.

A 12-year-old math savant from India discovers that it’s actually OK to divide by zero, just don’t do it a lot.

Jeff Bezos’ space travel initiative, Blue Origin, goes into operation; Amazon employees can finally avoid Seattle traffic. Amazon also gets permission to deliver packages by drone. Now, purchases will miss your porch and land on your roof. UPS is impressed.

Starbucks jumps on the health bandwagon and comes out with its Kalepuccino. It consists of sugar, chocolate milk and sugar plus a drop of artificial kale extract — $17 for a venti.

Levi, Wrangler and other blue jean companies begin making 10-inch by 12-inch back pockets to fit the new iPhone.

For absolutely no reason at all, Kanye West’s ego continues to grow: The United Nations demands that Kanye and Justin Bieber stay on opposite sides of the planet to keep earth on its axis.

An invasive species, the dreaded “kissing bug,” is sighted in Florida and southern Texas. Evangelicals are quick to warn this bug will be followed by the “heavy-petting bug” and the “third-base bug.”

Locally, voters once again turn down plans for a bridge to Vashon and opt instead for a tunnel. The first ferry to go through it gets stuck.

And, on a personal note, I finally get my dream job as an assistant manager at a luggage store.

In conclusion, I sincerely hope all of you have a happy and healthy 2016, but you probably already knew that.

— Chris Austin is The Beachcomber’s circulation manager and an award-winning humor columnist.