Remember the abandoned exercise bicycles at the Portage shoreline? They’re gone.

The King County Road Services Division confiscated the bikes, deeming our unique island oddity a distraction and a traffic safety hazard to boot.

As reported in last week’s Beachcomber, the bicycle confiscation is part of an ambitious, county-wide initiative to remove all roadside distractions. Top of the list was the bikes because they were, in the words of county road services Director Brenda Bauer, “easy to remove,” (unlike — say — the ICBMs that once had to be dismantled and trucked off the island after we won the Cold War).

In The Beachcomber interview, Bauer also warned that other roadside objects, perceived as distractions, would be “removed” as well.

So what’s next on the King County “distraction” hit list? Ivy-entwined mailboxes ingeniously converted into planters? Those magnificent elephants audaciously prancing on the roof of May’s Thai restaurant? Our Highway Haikus, staked out at the foot of Bunker Terrace? And don’t forget the in-your-face game day 12th man flag flapping in front of Sporty’s Bar and Grill.

We also have the controversial 24/7 electronic sign flashing (except during blackouts) a “sale on pot roast” and other specials at the driveway going into Thriftway.

Then there’s the mural of the flying dog on the side of the telephone building at the intersection of the highway and 204th, and, dare I mention our magnificent 40-year-old Christmas tree in the middle of the village.

Distraction: We got distraction.

Would King County have the audacity to cast their veracious eyes on Judy Speidel’s sculptured Stone Hinge formation at the entrance to Court House Square? I personally paced the distance from curb to sculpture and was relieved to find it was beyond King County’s 10-foot strike zone.

But I worry about Will Forrester’s historic wall mural at the drive-in side of U.S. Bank at Vashon’s main intersection. Would King County measure from the highway curb or the curb of the drive-in driveway? Don’t fret, Will, I got your back.

Then there are the divine distractions, like the rippling waters of Puget Sound. Note that the recently confiscated exercise bicycles on the Portage shoreline were all facing toward the bay, where ghost riders could peddle themselves into the Waters of Oblivion just south of Quartermaster Harbor.

Other natural distractions that might cause traffic hazards include migrating orcas and grey whales, bald eagles, magical rainbows, the snowcapped Olympic range and, of course, the peak of mighty Mount Rainier. Come to think of it, these are the distractions caused by the attractions that inspired most of us to move here.

In defending King County’s bike abduction, director Bauer told The Beachcomber that the distraction of the exercise machines on the side of the road “caused drivers to either slow down or stop in the middle of the road.” To do what? Gawk, I guess.

Please, I mean, how compelling could these rusty old exercise cycles be? Bauer might have a point if, say, a nude had mounted one of those machines and peddled to her or his heart’s delight. In the unlikely event that ever should come to pass, I concede, a naked rider peddling a stationary bike would be a major distraction, competing with our island’s primary diversion — whale watching. This might necessitate separate, magnetized phone numbers on the door of the fridge, to prevent confusion like this:

Call in: “I see one.”

Hotline: Whale or person?

Call in: Person

Hotline: Male or female?

Call in: Not sure. Poor visibility and the nude is facing the water.

Hotline: What’s it doing?

Call in: (focusing binoculars) Peddling

Hotline: Can you get close enough to tag it?

Clearly, nudes change the equation.

So it’s reasonable to conclude that a distracted driver might go right over the Portage sea wall, which does meet King County’s criteria for a road safety hazard, but that’s all hypothetical.

Among nature’s natural distractions is the mother of all distractions — the possible eruption of the Cascadia Subduction Zone (CSZ) under the coastal waters of Washington state.

If the CSZ erupted, as predicted in a summer issue of The New Yorker magazine, this clearly would create road hazards as “everything south of I-5 would be toast.” Ok. Let’s not go there.

Director Bauer concluded her interview with the Beachcomber by saying she had a “deep understanding of the desire for quirkiness.” Since when did the road director become a sociologist? You’re out of your depth, Brenda.

“Quirkiness,” as Bauer calls it, particularly island quirkiness, comes from within. It can’t be taught or learned, but it does help if you live here.

Our zip code is our DNA. “Keep Vashon Weird” is more than a bumper sticker. It’s who we are.

— Brian Brown is a former

journalist and host of Voice of Vashon’s “Brown Briefly” on Wednesday nights.