Recently, this estimable newspaper reported a discussion underway among the Island’s Chamber of Commerce, local businesses and the University of Washington’s School of Architecture proposing a facelift for shops downtown. This is something like going to Nordstrom, “over town,” and having a makeover at one of the cosmetic counters, knowing full well you’ll never buy the insanely expensive stuff they’re selling.

I don’t know about you, but as I read the story I couldn’t help but think: why didn’t the Chamber talk to the university’s plastic surgery department? Facelifts? Bring them on! I mean, talk about “community beautification!” I’m guessing there are a lot of aging folks on this island, like me, who might find this concept attractive — and a lot of younger folks who would welcome the aesthetic improvements.

I confess that my thinking on this matter, such as it is, may be influenced by the fact that this year I become a genuine, card-carrying “senior citizen” complete with Medicare coverage. And when I look in the mirror each morning while shaving, I can’t help but think: Isn’t there a major engineering or construction firm in Seattle, with cranes and other heavy equipment, who could improve upon this view?

Here are some things I’ve noticed about aging. You lose hair on your head but gain it in your nostrils. Can someone tell me why that is adequate compensation?

Your memory shrinks even as your toenails grow, fast and thick. Much as I try, I find nothing profound in my toenails, though I persist in believing that my mind once was profound, wherever it went and no matter how thick it became.

Your muscles ache but not from any body-building program you’ve been pursuing at the Vashon Health Club: No, pain is just the new status quo. You give hearty hugs to vaguely familiar shoppers at the Thriftway but wonder who the heck they are and why they’re so friendly.

And speaking of the Thriftway, you stand in the aisle, your eyes focused somewhere out near infinity and think: I wonder what was on that shopping list I wrote down and then forgot to take with me. When I wander into Island antique shops, like Treasure Island and Lost & Found, I find things I grew up with. Someone please tell me how it is that my life became “vintage!”

One of the few benefits of attaining the status of “senior citizen” is that you get discounts. Whose idiotic idea was that? I can hardly think of a more wrong-headed notion.

Let’s face it, with every year we continue to age, we cost society more. We have higher medical bills. We have more car accidents (though at very low speeds). We earn less. We are more of a burden to our children, who have gone from being accepting of us at last to being annoyed we’re still, expensively, hanging on. It’s rude, really, our longevity. We get discounted tickets to the Vashon cinema. Why is that? Because they know we’ll never remember enough of the flick to ruin it for others, that’s why.

Senior discounts, therefore, are nuts. Instead, there should be a senior penalty. We are costly. The penalty should rise with every year past 65 — let’s say, a percent a year. That way, if you have the effrontery of reaching, say 90, you pay 25 percent more for everything. I’m just saying: It’s only fair.

On the other hand, if an army of UW plastic surgeons swooped down upon the Island, we could postpone these existential concerns — at least until the facelifts themselves began to fail. No matter what you do, time always wins.

But I can’t think that far ahead anymore.

— Will North is a Vashon novelist.