So Valentine’s Day is over (by a few hours), and you’ve flubbed up.
Either you forgot it entirely, or you showed up with a handful of wilted flowers and a box of cheap candy. And she either moped around making little sighing noises, or she gave it to you head-on. Of course, you apologized and made some lame excuse. Either way, you’re in the dog house — or so you think now. It’s time to get crafty and act like that was all part of the plan — and here’s how you do it.
This is going to require some acting skills (beyond those needed for a lame excuse), accurate timing and a little brainpower. I know the brainpower thing might be tough, but think of it this way: Thinking is exercise, and exercise makes you stronger. To quote Woody Allen, your brain is your second favorite organ, so use it or lose it.
First, make a dinner reservation for tonight at a local restaurant. Tell her they were full on the 14th, hence the reason for the delay. She’ll assume that your invitation is an apology, but she’ll be happy for the distraction so she’ll accept. Arrange to meet her there at a specific time. Then get into high gear and do these things:
1. Ditch those clothes you’ve been wearing for the last 10 years, especially that old plaid coat because it is sooooo 70s. Better yet, burn them. Your dog will appreciate having fewer fleas in the house.
2. Stop by Northwest Sports and pick out some new clothes. Note that “new” includes nothing from a secondhand shop. What she has always wanted, and never expected to get, is a complete makeover of YOU, and that is exactly what you are going to give her! She’ll think she’s dating someone completely new, and you’ll be surprised where that takes you (if you don’t dwell on the ramifications). When you are looking for a style to emulate, don’t look at other Vashon men and figure you’re doing pretty darn good. We are not good role models. Remember that dark colors look formal and hide wine stains, as well as other dirt, so in the future you can go for months between washings.
3. Don’t forget new shoes, socks and underwear. Use the opportunity to get rid of any socks and underwear that have holes so big you can’t tell which are the proper ones.
4. Get yourself some real cologne. Avoid scents with names like “Chainsaw.” If you can’t bring yourself to shop for cologne, go get some vanilla at the grocery, because it’s the most attractive natural scent. If they don’t have vanilla, get some packaged cookie dough and wear a wad behind your ear. If your partner is gabby, put the wad inside your ear. As it warms, it will smell of vanilla. Vanilla ice cream doesn’t work as well; I learned this the hard way.
5. Before you go, take a good bath and clean your fingernails. Remember to take the tags off your new garments and remove all inspection slips from the pockets.
6. Just before you leave the house, part your hair, brush off any errant wood chips, and make the dog move to the back of the truck. If there are any flowering plants in your neighbor’s yard, grab a bouquet. Make sure they are not wilted.
Provided you’ve chosen the correct restaurant, or one she can endure, you’ll be on your way to a post-Valentine romantic evening neither of you will ever forget unless you have too much wine. If instead that’s the plan, give her the car keys as soon as you get there, because the sheriff already has enough problems.
— Greg Wessel is a humor writer, geologist and King County employee.
