By BETSEY ARCHAMBAULT
For The Beachcomber

October is Domestic Violence Action Month. Domestic violence is a universal problem, and Vashon Island is not immune.

What are some types of domestic violence? Physical abuse is the one that pops into everyone’s mind, and certainly the one that has been in the news of late. But there are other types of abuse that are equally as complex and traumatic: emotional abuse, sexual abuse, cyber abuse and financial abuse.

Domestic violence has been in the news recently; the situation that unfolded with NFL has gone viral. Why does she stay? Why doesn’t she leave? There are many problems with these questions — least of all the pronoun that is used that indicates that all survivors are female, which is most assuredly not the case. The main problem here is that these questions put the blame right back on the survivor. Why is it his/her responsibility to leave instead of putting the onus on the abusive partner to get help and stop the abuse?

But let’s talk about why people don’t leave. There can be incredible fear that the abuser will be more violent if the victim leaves. In fact, in at least 55 percent of homicides by abusers in our state, the victim had left or was trying to leave, according to the Washington State Domestic Violence Fatality Review of 2012.

In many cases, women and men don’t have anywhere to go. Communities, much like our own, don’t have enough affordable housing, and shelters and transitional housing units are limited. On just one day, domestic violence programs in Washington could not meet 398 requests for housing, according to The National Census of Domestic Violence Services.

Some other reasons that make it hard for survivors to leave are that they cannot afford to take care of themselves and their children without the abuser’s income and that they worry about child custody issues and the safety of their children when they’re alone with the abusive parent. Some victims are emotionally drained, financially challenged and isolated from family and friends. In some cases, they tried to leave in the past and the abuser found them. Surviving abuse takes an incredible toll on people.

It is never the survivor’s fault. They are never to blame. I cannot emphasize this point enough.

I’ll say it again. It is never the survivor’s fault. They are never to blame.

Beyond all of this, it is important to know that survivors do leave. Every day survivors of abuse are able to find the support and resources they need to be safe and self-sufficient. They leave. They find renewed hope and confidence. They start a new chapter.

Can you tell at the beginning of a relationship if it will become abusive? No. Many abusive partners may seem perfectly fine in the early stages of a relationship, with jealous, possessive and controlling behaviors appearing over time. Abuse does not look the same in every relationship because every relationship is different. One factor that many abusive relationships have in common is that the abusive partner engages in tactics to gain more power and control over their partners.

Are there warning signs and red flags? Yes. Red flags include controlling your money, deciding who you can see and when, restricting your actions, preventing you from making your own decisions, threatening to hurt you, threatening to hurt themselves if you do a certain thing, threatening pets, pressuring you to do things you are not comfortable with and pressuring you to trade sex for safety, money or groceries. There are many signs, and we can all learn them.

The DoVE Project has had some considerable successes this past year. We trained community members to be personal advocates, held prevention workshops for teens, began a men’s group for male survivors and presented at two statewide conferences (one topic was women’s health and the other was LGBTQ access). We also are proud to announce that we have a new location that is more accessible for those who would like to walk in to talk or take a look at our resources. DoVE now lives in the back of Courthouse Square. While we have increased our accessibility, confidentiality and privacy are still paramount. We have three doors and many offices that are private. Stop in to say hi. Even if you’re not worried about domestic violence for yourself, learning about prevention and how to support friends is important. Everyone has a role in preventing domestic violence.

The DoVE Project is a young organization and one that is needed to support survivors of abuse. We aim to provide opportunities for education and prevention  and have an upcoming Teen Dating Abuse Prevention Workshop. We as a community can prevent domestic violence. Please join us on Oct. 25 for our second annual Comedy Night fundraiser. Laughter is the best medicine.

What else can you do? Sign up for a teen dating abuse workshop for parents. Encourage your tweens or teens to do the same. “Like” us on Facebook to keep abreast of what’s happening. Visit us at our new space and pick up a book on domestic violence. Learn more about what you can do as a friend, as a bystander. Join our next advocacy training. Take a stand and say “No more.”

We are an island full of spirited people, hope and great feelings of community. We can create positive community change. We can and we will.

— Betsey Archambault is the executive director of The DoVE Project.