When The Beachcomber asked me if I’d write a “football-related column,” I jumped on it immediately, because as it happens, I recently landed a role in an actual football movie. What a coincidence, right? Sure, I’m just an extra, and there’s a cast of millions, but it’s a great gig and a cool story.
I’m almost embarrassed to describe the plot. It’s pretty unbelievable. The script uses every cheesy, cliché device you can imagine. I’m sure the poster will offer up some schmaltzy drivel like “You’ll stand and cheer!”
As you’d expect, there are all the predictable characters you’d find in a sports movie like this: the rah-rah-always-positive head coach; the clean-cut, good guy quarterback; the mysterious, misunderstood running back; the hometown-boy-makes-good wide receiver.
Of course, the team struggles at first but rallies in the second half of the season after the team leaders implore their mates to pull together and play for each other. (I’ve seen it a million times, but I guess it works.)
Naturally, they make the playoffs, but fall impossibly behind in the big game they need to win to get to the Super Bowl. (You’re hearing the ominous soundtrack start to build, aren’t you?)
The star quarterback throws interception after interception, and always toward the hometown boy, who inexplicably lets numerous balls clank off his hands and into those of the opponent.
To make matters worse, the intense, steely-eyed leader of the defense separates his shoulder. Then the brash, cocky star cornerback loses the use of an arm for the rest of the game, but of course they both play on. (Big surprise there, huh?)
In the end, every play that absolutely must go their way does. They win the game when the redemption-seeking quarterback connects with the beleaguered hometown boy for the winning touchdown. The two of them hug and cry in the end zone, screaming “I love you, man” into the din of a roaring stadium. (Didn’t see that coming, did you? Yeah, right.)
I know it’s sappy as hell, but the shoot’s been going well, everyone on the set seems to be enjoying themselves, and I have to say the craft table buffet at halftime on game day is pretty awesome.
Look for me in the credits. I’ll be “12th Man #3,245,759.” I have a pretty big job for an extra. My character gets absorbed in every moment throughout the entire season, becoming increasingly obsessed with reading every little story about any player on the team, even if it’s already been written from a dozen different angles.
If you look carefully, you’ll find me poring over highlight videos, listening to AM sports talk radio, exchanging random high-fives with complete strangers dressed in team garb, screaming myself hoarse during games and then standing in the corner at parties with small groups of like-minded fans, recalling obscure, hasn’t-happened-since-1948 statistics. (It’s hard work but hey — I’m a method actor.)
The final weekend of shooting happens on location in Arizona this Sunday. I’ll be back here, capturing B roll with the other extras. Then it’s off to post-production and theatrical release. Who knows what kind of box office this movie will do, but I’ll bet it plays on cable for the rest of our lives. Gotta love those residuals!
To all the non-fans, spouses and significant others who have been sidelined while all of us extras finish up our work on this preposterous movie, thank you for your sacrifice. No matter the outcome Sunday, you’ll have us all back on Monday.
Oh wait. There may be a crazy cast party in downtown Seattle on Wednesday.
Okay, you’ll have us back Thursday.
— Jeff Hoyt is a humorist and voice actor who lives on Vashon.
