When parents discover their beloved child is using drugs, drinking or has an eating disorder, they might feel fear, anger, guilt, panic, sadness, confusion and disbelief. How can they still function as usual with all of these overwhelming feelings? Some become paralyzed; they start questioning every parenting choice and look for someone to blame — because this was definitely not part of the plan. What happened and how did this family get here?

Staying focused on the past doesn’t help; it only fuels anxiety, guilt and instability. But after decades of working with families, I have seen a group of simple skills make a big difference in the stress levels of those pulled into an addiction and recovery process.

Affected others may be relieved to finally have a diagnosis or explanation and then get caught up in an adrenaline-fueled search for the easiest, cheapest or guaranteed method of treatment. But a process filled with denial, shame, lies and insurance companies often doesn’t progress in a straight forward or a simple way.

Families can soon become isolated, believing no one could really understand, or they don’t want to be a burden because their hope is that this will all be taken care of now that there’s a plan. If they are uneasy with feeling less in control, they may stay busy switching therapists, searching out new treatment programs, or even moving away with hope of a geographical cure.

Often people will not value basic, boring skills because they are living in such complicated, high-drama and high-risk situations. So when recovery specialists offer seemingly simple tools, it’s hard to imagine that these approaches could help address their dire situation. And they would be right about that — unless they actually try them, which means first choosing to feel differently and then practicing consistently (at least for a month or more) aiming for some stress relief and peace of mind, no matter what.

Here are a few skills that have helped other families survive and even overcome the pain of addiction.

Acceptance: Accept that the entire family is in the midst of this disease, and there is no other way out than through it. Practicing radical acceptance means seeing life for what it is, and then embracing a process that may be filled with fear, hope, skepticism, unconditional love, humiliation, horror, humor and, eventually, forgiveness. Even after some progress, there will be times when a parent is flooded with memories from the past, creating an overreaction to the present. Being prepared makes it easier to accept these reactions as just feelings, not facts. Remaining steady allows responses rather than reactions.

Create a support network: Building a support system of even just a few people (besides family) who understand the addiction process is crucial. Seek a specialist who has had experience working with addictions. Find other parents in Al-Anon, faith-centered, co-dependency or even online recovery groups. Every time you push your loved one toward help, be the first one out the door yourself.

Stellar self care: Eat “mood-supportive” food, exercise, role model good sleep and hygiene, give yourself permission to still have fun and schedule time to relax. Feed your spirit if you hope to be the lighthouse during this storm. Rarely can you guilt trip anyone into recovery by suffering more yourself.

Daily rituals: Develop a consistent ritual every day to learn more about addiction, enabling, denial, resentment and forgiveness. These concepts are easy to absorb through “recovery literature,” like a daily reader. Some classics include “The Language of Letting Go,” by Melody Beattie, “Courage to Change: One Day at a Time in Alanon II,” and “The Promise of a New Day: A Book of Daily Meditations.”

Letting go: Ultimately, addiction recovery is an individual’s own life path, and there is only so much anyone can do to save even one’s own child. Most experienced parents will say that it was not anything specific they did that saved their child. It was accepting they were powerless over their child’s addiction that allowed them to manage healthy boundaries, and that is what made a difference.

Trusting the process or “keeping the faith” helps anxious parents stay present — which is where they are needed. It also reduces the pressure that can build into manic searches for “evidence” or into mistakenly believing that their power and influence lies in finding the best expert, the perfect program or the right medication that will be the magic key for saving their treasured child.

— Marianne Rose is the clinical director of Holistic Approaches to Recovery Treatment at Vashon Youth & Family Services.